


Habits (Dragging to Oblivion) 2.0

by WolfStargazer



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Buckle Up The Angst Is Back, Catra is still a catgirl, Catra speaks Spanish, Drug Use, F/F, Implied Sexual Content, Mental Health Issues, Modern AU, Suicide Attempt, Trans Catra (She-Ra), Trans Woman Catra, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29221104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfStargazer/pseuds/WolfStargazer
Summary: No, she couldn’t fool herself. She just wanted to...she wanted to stop being a fucking sensitive bitch for once and just get over Adora, who wouldn’t even come back anyways. But, alas, she knew exactly how long it had been. She knew  the exact number of months, weeks, days. it had been carved into her brain, the pain of the imaginary bleeding awakening a migraine that had kept her company ever since Adora had left. The woman could remember that day like it was yesterday, though eight months had passed, and hiding the pain, hiding the resentment away made no sense; the rage was still there, brewing until some day she wouldn’t be able to take it anymore and hell knew what could happen.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 37





	1. Spend My Days Locked In A Haze

**Author's Note:**

> Teheeeee, Habits is Back! 
> 
> It's been crazy, crazy days, but it's finally here! 
> 
> What you will read here is a more detailed version of my original work, I'm mostly making it more elaborate and fillings blanks I left. I really hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Special thanks to Ozzie for betaing for me, to the Coyotes for their incredible support and everyone who has shown great excitement for this project.

She didn’t know how long it had been and had no idea of what day of the week it was. The woman drank way too much alcohol last night and she had to throw up first thing in the morning, stumbling and knocking some stuff over in her way. There they went, the twinkies and everything Catra ate last night. After a couple of minutes, she stood up, using the W.C in which she just threw up to prop herself up and wiped the strand of puke that adorned her chin with the back of her hand. Everything around her seemed like spinning around, her head so light and so heavy at the same time it was a miracle she wasn’t fainting by then. Catra licked her lips, tasting the disgusting trace of bile left in her mouth, but she couldn’t care any less, not only because she felt totally unable to, but also because, even if sometimes the feline didn’t want to admit it, all of this was nothing but a indirect way of self harm that she may secretly like just a little bit too much. 

Not like she had a reason to take care of herself anyways, though. This was the third day in a row she woke up with a bad hangover that was threatening to leave her in bed until she was finally able to get up and go to a party again. She was sure that, if Scorpia knew her current state, she would be nagging her with her rather suffocating manner to look after people, to which Catra would most probably reply with a snarl, even before her giant friend was able to hand her a bottle of water. Even the thought of hearing Scorpia’s voice was a fucking hammer to her head, so she tried to put that aside, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Growling and scratching her buttocks, Catra made her way back to bed, awake enough to at least walk a straight line through the living room and into her room before plunging on her bed. It was another morning of migraine and hangover for the brunette girl. She had forgotten when was the last time she ate previous to that occasion, as a consequence of the munchies, which was like a damn punch to the guts. 

And it was another morning without Adora waking up beside her and the emptiness it brought inside, disgustingly. 

She scoffed. Of course, the blonde had to be almost her first thought in the morning. Just like the day before, and the day before that; and it seemed like it didn’t matter how much she drank, if she passed out in a bathtub or had sex with a complete stranger. Night after night, Adora just never left her head, drilling into her memory, painfully scratching the most sensitive- to her utter disgust- fibers of her heart, like a burden she would always have to carry. _ “Hey, Catra, I’m still here, inside of you, with my bright smile and my voice that never leaves that space in the back of your head. I’ll make sure you have a bad time day after day, because it was definitely not enough to leave you by yourself and torn.” _ Ugh. She was even able to hear her say that. 

She still held that power against Catra, even after so long. 

No, she couldn’t fool herself. She just wanted to...she wanted to stop being a fucking sensitive bitch for once and just get over Adora, who wouldn’t even come back anyways. But, alas, she knew exactly how long it had been. She knew the exact number of months, weeks, days. it had been carved into her brain, the pain of the imaginary bleeding awakening a migraine that had kept her company ever since Adora had left. The woman could remember that day like it was yesterday, though eight months had passed, and hiding the pain, hiding the resentment away made no sense; the rage was still there, brewing until some day she wouldn’t be able to take it anymore and hell knew what could happen. 

She was either going to snap and commit crime or end it all. Forever. 

_ Killing yourself for a girl? _ She mocked herself.  _ That’s low, even for you.  _ A voice told her.  _ Oh, nothing is too low for me anymore.  _ Replied a slightly somber voice.

It seemed like it was simply impossible for any sane person to try and get over those ocean eyes, the beautiful way she laughed, the way she felt when she touched Catra, scalding her skin with as little as a brush of her fingers. She scoffed.  _ Fuck, I’m a damn sap, in any other situation I would be full on vomiting for such display of emotions, even kicking my own ass if I could. What has made me so weak lately?  _ She grabbed the back of her head, growling against the pillow and resisting the urge to throw herself out of her ten story window.  _ Not today, Catra, not today.  _

She could almost hear Adora’s voice ringing in the back of her head, encouraging to move forward, cheerful and supportive as usual.  _ Shut up, Adora, this is your fault in the first place, remember? Or were you too busy with your brand new jock friends to care about your old friend, who was always there for you? _ This didn’t happen very often, but today she was right there, like no amount of alcohol could drown her.  _ Maybe alcohol is the problem in the first place...Nah, life would be a nightmare with no alcohol.  _ She reflected. 

Her lean arm reached over to grab her phone, resting on top of her nightstand and turned on the screen, the light it emitted instantly making her squint. She attempted to look at the time and the date. It was Monday. Okay, She successfully drank so much she passed out on the first day of the week, that was a big accomplishment for her new life.  _ Yay _ . 

This whole succession of events, this whole chain of self destructive habits settled a couple of weeks after Adora decided to completely ghost her without even telling her why. She managed to finish high school with no major inconvenience, but everything went downhill from the moment she was about to enter college. Even after trying, losing Adora made her lose all interest in chasing a college degree. Adora and her had always planned on going to college together, she would get a sports scholarship and she would be the most popular jock on campus, and Catra would be her partner in crime. The best friend who would always stick around, like a shadow clinging to the moon _. Adora was more like a sun, indeed. _ She was happy with that dream, she needed no more, even if Adora didn’t reciprocate her feelings in what started as a mere game, a mere friends-with-benefits relationship, she was okay with that. To be completely fair, Catra wasn’t even sure if she ever wanted to know if Adora wanted a more serious relationship, not only because she was the blonde, the popular jock of her high school while she a pathetic attempt of a a high school student, the foreign girl, the hybrid no one wanted. On one hand, she would rather coexist with that fact rather than attempting something and seeing the blonde's lips curve into a rejection, the words "I don't want you". but on the other, she had always played tough girl...and it didn't matter how much anyone tried to confront her about how much more she cared about being rejected than the actual commitment; she would never admit it. 

She dug her face on the unmade bed that could barely be considered a bed, because it was way more like a bedding mess, and closed her eyes. 1 PM in the afternoon was way too early for her and now she was going to need more alcohol and a painkiller to go through the day. And that was going to be enough only if Adora decided to stop living rent free in her head that day as well, like the day before, and the one before that.  _ It  _ **_sucked_ ** _ to be alive _ . 

She hung her arm on the edge of the mattress, dropping the phone that landed with a loud thud and tried to sleep for another hour or two before going to the club again. Yes, because not even the worst killer migraine would stop her from another night of drinks and nameless sex. Scorpia had a shift there that day, so she was expecting the woman to be resting in her place in order to pull an all nighter later, instead of showing up at Catra's apartment to make the cat girl's day even more  **_perfect_ ** that it already was, but Catra’s life always went downhill, even when it seemed like she was finally getting her happy ending. Considering her happy ending here was just her, laying in bed in the peaceful silence of her apartment. 

“¡Catra, te traje vegetales!” Her friend’s voice, of course way too loud for Catra’s liking, sent the woman to the ceiling, almost a full foot over her bed.  _ Fuck, Scorpia could never give her a break, right? Why did I give her a pair of keys to her place, again? Maybe I was drunk when it happened, a long time ago and it didn’t seem so much of a crazy idea.  _ Maybe Scorpia convinced her somehow about her good intentions to help and, so she would stop annoying her, Catra gave her the keys. However, she regretted it now. 

She heard the door closing and the rustling of the paper bags accompanied by Scorpia’s steps. Catra didn’t even move a muscle, but she did groan, hopefully loud enough so the white haired woman would notice her annoyance. “I know you've been eating nothing but twinkies and ramen, so thought it would be good if I brought you vegetables.” Catra let out a grunt and tried to get herself up. Her first attempt failed pathetically as her arms gave in and slammed her face against the mattress. She let out a scoff. _ Stupid arms, why do you have to be so damn weak right now _ . She tried again, a strained line of voice abandoning her throat as she lifted herself up, her arms shaking. Finally, she was able to stand up, though not without hitting her side on the wall, and walked to the door. She supported her extremely deteriorated body by leaning on the threshold and she stared at Scorpia with a resting bitch face. The older woman ignored her, or maybe didn’t really notice the gesture as she continued leaving the vegetables on top of the counter. Each noise she made sounded like the worst drilling machine, that one that you hear at ten am on a Saturday morning when you just want to sleep after a tiring week of work. She was sure one of those days she would end up kicking Scorpia out for good, maybe that way she would let her be at peace for once. The sides of her face slid up in a small smirk at the thought. 

The giant woman finally noticed the Catgirl’s presence, she waved her pincers at her with the brightest smile she’s seen in the whole universe, making the brunette want to throw up, again. She was always so happy, so bright, even if things seemed to go downwards, making Catra sick. She wasn’t so sure of how she managed to do this either. Luckily, her stomach was empty now. Scorpia scanned her friend from top to bottom and the more she lowered her gaze, the more worried she looked. “Guau, Catra, te ves terrible ¿You need me to tenderly nurse you to health?” Catra’s mane was a crazy, puffy mess, and she was in her old t-shirt and boxers, but the most noticeable thing in her rumpled look was her big tainted eyes.  _ Yeah, I look like shit, I know, get off my ass, Scorpia. You better not make a big deal out of this. _ Her pathetic attempt of spanish made Catra scoff.  _ Fuck, she’s doing it again _ . Apart from being already annoying as hell, now she was trying to, like, what? Impress Catra or something? The catgirl made her rejection clear by only giving a killing look at Scorpia, who cringed and went back to put said vegetables in the fridge, humming something that sounded like  _ Dancing Queen _ by ABBA. That was such a Scorpia thing. 

“You don’t have to talk to me in Spanish, Scorpia.” _ You don’t have to pretend you care about me _ .  _ Because, after all, I’m not lovable, Adora already proved me that. _ “And you definitely don’t need to bring me vegetables, my twinkies and ramen-based diet is fine.” She scratched behind her cat ear and sneaked one hand under her pajama t-shirt to scratch her bushy abs.

“I know, I know, but I like to, it’s a way to feel closer to you.” Catra decided to ignore that, silently staring at the scenery. “Have you been drinking again? Catra, I think you should see a therapist, I don’t think it’s healthy for you t-”  _ Oh, fuck, great, here she comes again, for the ninth time in the month. Can’t a 19 year old just be left in peace? _

“How about you mind your own fucking bussiness and I mind mine, deal?” She deadpanned, annoyance soaking her words. 

“Okay, okay, gotcha, wildcat." She replied nervously. Scorpia made her way out, knocking down a table on her way that gained another grunt from Catra as she held her hand up on her forehead. Then, she made her way back to bed, kicked an empty bottle of whisky under the bed and plunged on top of the former, hoping that Adora wouldn’t invade her dreams again. 

  
  


The music at the club was a little bit too loud for Catra likes, the lights a little bit too bright, the air was filled up with so much smoke that it became a little bit difficult for her to breathe, but, curiously enough, she was enjoying the soft throbbing in her chest every time she breathed in.

As usual, she was dressed up in her best clothes: A red tank top below an old, but still good-looking black leather jacket, a pair a black jeans garnished with a chain falling from her leather belt in arcs over her outer thigh. Her cuffed pants ended on a pair of almost-brand-new shiny Doc Martens and on top of everything, Catra’s thoroughly draped back dark brown mane fell down her shoulders. Her velvety heavy-pierced right ear that sported a cross earring and the ashy-colored tufts that dropped from them were a nice touch to accentuate Catra’s untamable personality. 

She walked into the club after being let in without her barely noticing there was a bouncer at the door at all. Everyone around this place knew her, though, so why wouldn’t they let her in? Besides, that bouncer was a complete idiot in particular. 

The club was a small repurposed warehouse, though the past of this place would still show even after the changes it went through.The bar was to her right, as well as, Scorpia was making drinks as usual on her Thursday shift. Led lights placed on each separate glass shelf created a beautiful mixture of colors as it came through the bottles. The bar itself had a black counter and red stools for those who wanted to sit and drink only. And in front of her, a tiled dance floor now flooded with so many people she could barely see through. Towards the back of the club you could see a few stools and tables for people to hang out, but most of them were destroyed and the ones that were still standing were on their way to be destroyed by a couple of mauler humans. Catra growled and rolled her eyes thinking about humans being even more bestial than beasts themselves and having the audacity to discriminate towards her people, when they were with no doubt, even wilder than hybrids. She bit her lip, repressing any bad memories that threatened to arise.

Over these tables, a few silk curtains fell down graciously in between each painted window located on top of the wall. To the left, a staircase that gave access to the VIP, separated by several sections consisting of a round table and red synthetic leather booths. This place, apart from unlimited access to the bar, had also an special feature that allowed anyone with access to get a hooker, it was said that there was a long hallway on the back that lead to a brothel, but, even though in possession of some benefits, accessing those places wasn’t one of them. That was only for big drug dealers or something like that, according to Scorpia, although the white haired woman tended to blow things out of proportions so badly she wouldn't be surprised if that turned out to be another of her exaggerations. Honestly, the idea of a brothel was kinda cool though, it wasn’t like she could actually pay those services, nevertheless, even as the heir of quite a numerous wealth.

She looked around, browsing through the place to herself, looking at faes and lizard men making out, but practically having sex in front of everyone, which made her wrinkle her nose. A few humans too drunk to stand up leaving a mess behind them and a pair of hybrids on a corner of a VIP section doing something that was most likely not legal at all. Catra could feel the stares over her as she made it through the crowd to get a drink, her tail moving in and out in annoyment. _ Who the hell do these rats think they are?  _ Hopefully, their looks would hold the consciousness of who they were looking at. She held her chin up, giving a hard look at anyone who would dare to stare defiantly. If any of these bitches dared to mess with Catra, she would gladly scratch their eyeballs out. She growled, walking slowly, split eyes locked in the eyes of those being, who now looked away in fear. 

When she got to the bar, she slipped her black-nailed hands out of the pockets of her leather jacket in order to take out a cigarette and light it. Scorpia, at the bar, seemed to be worried about Catra by the puzzled expression on her face. 

“Gimme a whisky on the rocks.” She demanded dryly, so cold that the barwoman would almost get a frost bite from it. She was a completely different person, almost as if Catra forgot completely she was her friend. A soft sting attacked her heart, but the white haired woman decided to just ignore it and not even protest, even though she should’ve done it. She just wanted the best for her friend, she wanted her to be healthy and happy, she wanted to be herself again, like when they met in highschool, something that apparently wasn’t going to happen any time soon. 

She lost herself in memories, memories about the happy times they spent together, about how she became bitter and bitter. Her whole body shook as she remembered the last time she dared to oppose Catra’s words she got a nasty scar on her neck which turned into a constant reminder of her friend’s difficult-to-manage personality. Sometimes she just couldn’t understand why Catra was like this, but she didn’t care much about it, and beared it with no hesitation. Of course she understood this was related to Adora somehow. She didn’t want to think it was that, considering it had been a time that happened, but she had witnessed and she knew Catra was left in ruins after that girl Adora left. She was the one who was always there for Catra and, despite everything, she loved Catra and wanted to be close to her also because she was the one person closer to a best friend she’s ever had. She even tried to learn Spanish so she could understand her cat friend better. In fact, according to herself, Scorpia turned out to be quite good at it. It was a shame that Catra didn’t seem to appreciate the effort and time it took her to learn it and only continue being a dick to Scorpia. 

Sometimes it became a toll on her to the point she just wanted to leave, but something on her told her to stay there, next to Catra no matter what, even if it hurt. It did hurt that she was like that even after what she’s done for the feline; it wasn’t like Scorpia was expecting her to do anything in return, of course, but she'd have loved some more appreciation, a little bit of...love, perhaps. She could still see good in Catra, even if now all of that happiness was dwindled by anger and spite. But it was Catra they were talking about. 

And Catra would never give Scorpia a chance for a romantic relationship. She couldn't even get over Adora yet. While letting out a sigh, she turned around to face the bottle’s shelf behind her to get to work, only after giving her friend a quick look. Her knotted brows and the downturned line her mouth formed clearly hinted she was not in the mood for her, something telling Scorpia it was probably because of her unannounced appearances at her place earlier that week. The pressure was too much for her and this made her pincers start to shake, which led to her spilling whisky all over the place and floor, practically serving the drink on the floor, many dangerous chunks of ice laying around.  _ This is going to be discounted from my salary if I survive, _ she reflected. 

Since Adora left, Catra’s personality had a spine-chilling shift. She would usually see Catra around the club on weekdays, sometimes she would bring Adora with her and marvel as she watched the couple dance on the center of the dance floor, alluring everyone with their moves and their gorgeous matching outfits of red, whites and splashes of gold. In fact, watching them dance was a true experience not only because of the beauty of their moves, but also because they would flirt and play around while doing so, making it very interesting to watch. They got to a point in which people from the club stood around them just to watch and when they were done, everyone would applaud. She wouldn’t have expected her cat friend to be such a great dancer, but she was proficient, not missing a single step while her hips swung from side to side closer to Adora’s. “Wildcat” as she liked to call Catra, seemed very happy around Adora, the happiest she’s ever seen her in all those years they’ve known each other.

Now she was a damn mess, a moving fog of poison and resentment, sporting big eye bags and gritted teeth, drinking alcohol and sitting on the same spot of the bar each day to remember the good things she once had, not even saying a word to her friend. Scorpia never tried to further investigate on Catra’s relationship with Adora or what happened between them, because she knew if she did that, the wildcat would close herself and shove Scorpia away from her heart using hurtful words to ward off from Scorpia’s attempt of rescue. 

She would’ve loved to help Catra, but she was reluctant, so embroiled and blinded by her self destructive actions, replacing any desire to live with with sex and drugs. 

While waiting, the cat girl put an elbow over the counter of the bar, using her hand to rub her temples roughly and her tail swinging from left to right. Her mind was stuck, stuck on a day, an emotion, a face, a pair of blue eyes that were making her go insane, because it didn’t matter how hard she tried, Adora would never leave her, not even in her sleep.

She wasn’t so sure why it was taking her so much work to get over Adora. Or maybe she knew and Catra just tried very hard to repress it. She gritted her teeth, her tail swaying from one side to the other in a single fluid motion, her hands running over her temples all over again. 

Catra kept going back to that same bar, every single night for the last couple months ever since Adora and her parted ways. Something inside her, a single heart beat drifting away, seemed to drag her iron toed boots to that same door, the same burning bright neon lights, the brick walls, the dark atmosphere and the loud underground music. 

With a single look at the dancefloor she was almost able to picture her and Adora dancing all over again, dressed in their matching clothes, swinging and flowing as one, like they always did, and everyone around them looked in profound awe. It had been moths, it had been longer that she would ever wanted to admit, but her split eyes would never leave the dancefloor, her feet would never leave that dust line she always created from the door and her body would never stop going lump on that bar stool as a single cigarette stained her already damaged lungs. She wasn’t very sure about what was going to kill her quicker: The cigarette, or Adora’s memories, printed in that awful hole like the dents in a piece of metal. 

Adora seemed just reluctant to abandon her head and she fucking despised that. It made her weak, incredibly weak when she just wanted and needed to be strong and stop being lame. But no, she has always been there. In her skin, in the blue of the sky, even -she allowed herself to be cheesy for a moment- in her dreams. 

She dreamed about Adora a lot. She would dream about the times when they played together, against each other on soccer matches and then they would make out against the lockers afterwards without anyone noticing. They acted like they hated each other as teenagers, and sometimes they did, but they actually really cared for each other, or that was what it seemed like. Everyone would either think they were enemies having hate make out sessions or plainly dating each other and pretending they hated each other, which was kind of correct, and it never failed to make Catra laugh. Catra liked Adora more than she actually wanted to admit, and she would’ve sworn Adora felt the same for her sometimes, even when her self depreciation barred her self esteem and god complex. But did it even mean anything now? She was gone and she wasn’t going to come back for a long shot like her. 

“ _ She left me. She left me just like that and she didn’t give me an explanation, Scorpia.” Catra said, her voice strained, soaked in pain as she tried to stop the tears from coming, sitting next to Scorpia. At first, she thought she was just busy, working to get her scholarship, but days went by, weeks of radio silence. Adora walked away and left her behind like she was nothing. She closed her hands, digging her own stilettos in the flesh of her palms, trying too hard to silence the sobs arising from her chest. _

_ ”After everything we went through, after being so stupid to think she would actually care about me, she left. She left because I wasn’t of use for her anymore, because I’m a damn animal and no one loves me.”  _

_ “Don’t cry, Catra, don’t cry, don’t cry” She remembers telling herself, but it was already too late. She was blinking tears away on a pathetic attempt to regain control, failing tragically as Scorpia hugged her between her pincers as she was trying to tether her to Earth.  _

_ Her world was crumbling, the ground under her was crumbling and her heart was torn to pieces and not even the tightest hug was going to put it back together. _

Catra was stuck with her She-Ra, as Adora would be called by her team, she was stuck with the feeling of joy when she saw Adora smile and snort in that pretty way Catra loved so much, making butterflies make their way out her stomach to burst in laughter, a compliment, or soft intertwined gazes she would simply perceive as home.  _ No. Stop it _ , she demanded to herself, shaking her head. For a split second she would’ve sworn her heart was pounding again, and her claws were digging into her skull when she snapped out of it. No. She wasn’t going to allow herself to be vulnerable again, she wasn’t going to let those stupid feelings make her soft. She already had this whole pep talk with herself, more than a hundred times, actually.  _ Why can’t I just get over that dork? Goddamnit! _

Sometimes it seemed like her toughness was not enough, it seemed like trying and pretending was useless, because, not so deep inside -and insert gagging sounds here- She still cared for Adora.

It was foolish of her considering the blonde abandoned her so carelessly. It was disgusting and unfair, but it was still there, like a headache that never went away. 

And wow, that was an excellent way to put it.

“Here.” Scorpia slid Catra’s drink across the counter, and, without even a thank you, the hybrid proceeded to slide the freezing, but at the same time burning, liquid down her throat. She was glad the drink was done just in time when her head started playing games all over again. That made her feel alive, physical pain would ease the throbbing on her chest whenever she was lucid enough to remember she didn’t have Adora by her side anymore. And it was soothing to have some sort of way to punish herself for being such a grandiose idiot. 

But it was enough of Adora for now. She would be able to have time to do that later today or tomorrow. Well, actually, she had a lot of time. 

She turned around in her stool to roam around the place and see if she could get a hook up for the night. She has never been a dancing kind of person, in fact, she would hate it when she was younger and Adora made her dance together, even though she finally grew to enjoy it after a hundred sunny afternoons dancing sessions, but she never admitted it in front of her, just as she wouldn’t admit the best part about it was dancing with Adora. 

She should be thankful for that now, though, because she could use it to get a girl. She stepped onto the dance floor, where she caught sight of a faun girl who had a beautiful pair of horns. Catra discarded her cigarette in the closest ashtray and walked towards the woman, who was wearing a gorgeous white silk dress with flowers on her hair and contrasted perfectly with Catra’s outfit. Everything felt like going in slow motion as she saw the sheer-furred girl walk towards her as well, and she looked even more beautiful with lights showering her with different color intensities. Their eyes interlocked, already devouring each other before they were actually kissing. Their bodies were pulled together like magnets, driven by desire. 

As she wrapped her arms around the sheer haired girl, her back against Catra’s chest, she gave the woman a look and a white smirk that bared the pair of canines that stood out her other teeth. Lusty gazes rapidly swirled between them as they got closer. Catra felt like the most predatory animal while getting closer to the faun girl while biting her lip and half lidded eyes ready to go for it. The woman got closer to her, her hips swinging from side to side and danced together. Catra was feeling alive for the first time in a while, the slight dizziness from alcohol, the thumping of the music in her chest accompanied by the swinging of the faun girl’s ass against her hips. Adora’s ghost was nowhere to be found, no soft murmur to annoy her. 

They moved from side to side together with the techno music between flirty smiles and the brushing of their hands through the body of one another. After the girl turned around, finally facing her, Catra wrapped the girl with her arms, closing the gap between them. Their temperatures started to rise as the feline’s mouth left kisses over the faun girl's neck, and Catra would have sworn that she felt the vibration of a moan through her lips. Once their kisses had her prey panting, her teeth made their stellar appearance to mark the faun’s white skin through her immaculate white fur. The brunette could already feel her crotch struggling to break away from her pants. The beat set the pace for hungry caresses that came with the intense warmth that was building up in their stomachs. Soon enough their lips found each other, and the girls dived into a lusty circle of biting lips, dragging claws over fur and soft moans. 

When they broke apart, disappointment filled the faun girl’s face, though not barely brushing the amount of blood that went up to her face after that dance. They seemed to have lost track of time, but it didn’t matter, just as it didn’t matter for how long they have known each other when Catra decided to take that girl home and fuck her filthy and hard.

Catra almost fell over as she opened the door and the girl rushed to kiss the feline on the lips, both of them stumbling backwards between wet kisses until they found the kitchen counter and Catra propped the girl up. They shared wet kisses and greasy moves for a while before taking it further. It was fast, and it lacked any kind of sweetness like when Adora and her spent the night together, but Catra didn’t mind at all. As long as she forgot love was a thing, everything and anything was valid. 

When they were done, they shared a cigarette while laying in bed, no soft words, no caresses, no afterglow, just two naked, intertwined bodies sharing the same room. Maybe that faun girl was hurt too, maybe she wanted to forget someone as well, Catra being no more but a toy, an object to divert someone else’s imagination and thought, but did it matter at all? She slipped on a nightshirt and walked out to her balcony, opening the large sliding window without giving the girl a single look. She sighed as the chill night breeze caressed her face and brushed her cheek fur. Catra wasn’t going to ask and didn’t want to know anyways: protecting herself from harm was priority now. 


	2. The Lure of The Woman of The Rainbow Halo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She looked at her own reflection, even though she knew it would make her want to erase it from Earth, she still did. Skinny fingers drew a line from the dark lines under her eyes, the living evidence that not only Adora’s soul was giving out, but her body as well. I should just leave this place, I can’t go on like this, she told herself in a low voice when she was finally by herself. Blue orbs were locked in blue once again, but something… a flash of red, a pair of unmatched yellow-blues, sent her spiralling all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for your patience. Rewriting this has taken me more time and work that I expected and my motivation is running quite low lately.
> 
> As you can see, I deleted a chapter for the sake of prioritizing what was key for the story, I considered it to be the right thing to do. 
> 
> There will be POV changes from this chapter on, which will be marked like this "--". 
> 
> Again, thanks to Ozzie for being my beta, to the Coyotes for their incredible support and everyone who has been following this story, specially Jennelle who never fails to make me smile. 
> 
> Your comments and kudos are my motivation to continue <3

If someone had told Catra she would suddenly receive an invitation to a fancy party organized by some big wig her parents used to be friends with and would actually end up attending, dressed up in a fancy velvet suit, she would have definitely laughed in that person’s face. 

But life is crazy. Now she stood by the door, looking over everyone drinking champagne and talking about important things like the rich people they were. She couldn’t see her parent’s old friend anyways, though, and she expected things to stay that way as she didn’t want to be the center of a lame pity party. 

She took a deep breath, trying to remember why she accepted the invitation in the first place, though the promise of first quality booze and beautiful women she could take to bed seemed like more than enough for her, considering that was her reasoning in that moment. She couldn’t really remember the rest, probably too hungover for that. 

Regarding the place itself, everything about it was abysmally different from the club she regularly visited. It was beautiful, taken from the most visionary, elegant dream place that she couldn’t even imagine even under the effects of some drug. Obviously, they didn’t spare any expenses, which was no surprise considering who the people involved were. There was a glass ceiling that allowed people to gaze at the stars from any part of the club. White columns were aligned by each side of the club, from the back to the front and in between them a blazing dance floor that consisted of perfectly polished blue tiles of a material that may be quartz or another type of rock. Above, a beautiful chandelier deflected light in a million coloured spots around the place. The marmoled counter sparkling from said light made Catra’s eyes hurt, but the sight of those fancy as fuck stools made her wince. At the bar, a faun with pretty green eyes and cream coat was absorbed in her cocktail-making while a few people glanced at her in awe. This club also had a second floor with a balcony, but it was open, so she could see some humans hanging out, laughs muffled by the loud electronic music. 

  
  


“Hey, Catra, betcha can’t lead a girl onto the dance floor” Lonnie, dressed in a black suit, open jacket and button up white shirt, elbowed Catra with a mischievous smirk. The catgirl didn’t say anything, she just scanned the place, trying to decide if she was going to get trashed or laid first. She went towards the bar and asked for a Cuba Libre afterwards, using a velvety tone on her voice in order to try and flirt with that faun girl. Something about fauns was attractive to her, she didn’t know if it was that shy, innocent essence, their sheepy eyes or what, but she couldn’t resist their charms. Also, sometimes shy girls were the nastiest. She brushed back her newly cut short brown hair, and bared her canines with a smirk while she looked closely at the girl, who didn’t care showing off her moves, at all, throwing the shaker in the air and catching it mid-air with a hand while flipping a bottle on the other. 

  
  


“Hey, I notice an accent there” Catra’s ears flicked a bit as she turned at a human girl sitting next to her, at her right. “You speak Spanish?” Catra took a moment to process these words, as she wasn’t used to hearing nice things about or the fact that she was a hybrid, what most of the people there probably saw as a beast, so she was ready to attack with a dry response. At first, she bared her fangs, but when she saw those pretty hazel eyes and light brown tied on a high ponytail she found herself flustering as she was a teenager all over again. She tried to suppress her urge to smirk at her, in case she had to deal with another racist bitch.

“Yeah, ¿algún problema, puta? ¿Acaso solo te agrada oír español cuando viene de una persona rica?” She struck a spiteful tone, so sick of rich people’s discrimination towards her.

“Hey, catgirl, it’s fine.” The human replied in a playful tone while brushing the cat’s arm. Catra wasn’t very sure if she should shove it off or make a big scene. She shot the human a mistrustful look. “Don’t worry, I’m not like these pieces of shit,” A careless laugh escalated from the girl’s chest as she whipped her ponytail. “I’m sorry if you thought I’d scold you or something.” She continued, holding the glass and flicking it a bit as she talked, now facing the bar.

Catra hesitated for a split moment, just to give out and play along.  _ Relax, Catra, you need sex, not to make a scene. Her small brain isn’t worth your time. _ “Yeah, Spanish is my mother tongue, but, y’know, languages are not the only thing my tongue is good at” A smirk formed in her face, maybe too confident and careless after that apology. The catwoman didn’t expect the hazel-eyed girls to fall for it. For her surprise, the girl looked back at her with half lidded eyes while brushing her hand down Catra’s arm on top of the counter.

“Well, I’d love you to show me that, señorita” the girl’s response surprised her, making Catra lick her upper canines and, without hesitation, she leaning closer to kiss the girl’s neck while her hands wrapped her waist.

It didn’t matter much if they were at a fancy party, it didn’t matter if everyone around was looking at them now, in fact, that set her off even more, something she could notice by the way the tip of her ears started to burn. Then, Catra whispered some hot words in her ear, everything as a plan to make sure the girl wanted her with the intensity of a volcano on the verge of eruption. She could feel the girl’s hands running down her arms and squeezing. This made Catra smile a little bit more. _It seems like this girl enjoys lean bodies,_ she thought, her confidence skyrocketing. They continued for a bit more like this before looking into each other's eyes and sharing a hungry kiss that turned fast enough into soft bites and drag of lips and between Catra’s hand’s exploration of the girl’s sides, hidden under a luxurious red dress, as she was trying to appreciate every curve of her body, embracing the warmth of her skin. One of the brunette’s hands slipped between the girl’s thighs, but not anywhere close to her crotch, a thing that earned her a few hungry bites and a soft moan against her lips. The cat woman would bet her victim was dripping at this point, so she took her hand in order to lead her to the bathroom, catching Lonnie's dropped jaw on their way. 

When they got out of the bathroom, the girl was so flustered she could almost mix in with the red club lights. She couldn’t help but laugh when she realised this. Catra’s tail gave away how satisfied she was with what she caused to that little being. The girl gave her back a shy smile while stroking a strand of hair behind her own ear as they walked out. Catra wanted to have a little bit more fun, so they walked onto the dancefloor, the song that was playing was kind of slow, but both started moving their bodies, drawing soft waves as they intertwined sensually. She really enjoyed afterglow’s sweetness and intimacy, but looking at that woman, rubbing herself against Catra’s body, their lips biting and brushing the skin was a whole new experience that was blowing her mind, bringing her senses to the limit until she felt like she could reach the cuspid from a simple dance.

Catra totally lost track of time, but she could tell they spent at least half an hour dancing. She made her way to the bar to get another drink, but the little of her eye caught a flash of white and golden, too familiar for her.

And then she saw her. 

Adora. 

And she was dancing.

Sunday morning was playing and the dim red lights filled the place with a gentle, warm color. She looked even more beautiful than she could ever picture her in her head. Adora looked like she was outlined by a rainbow halo, an illusion that was enhanced by the head-to-toe white suit she was wearing, a pure white decorated by a single golden line that ran down her pants, high platforms and hair tied on a half ponytail that allowed her to flaunt that angelic face of hers.  _ That’s what I call the icing on the cake. _

Again, Adora was the centre of the dancefloor, but she wasn’t alone, there was...a girl, a short-purple haired girl dancing with her, someone she could easily recognize. Glimmer, the girl Adora would hang out with, sweet, kind, hot-headed. A burst of jealousy fell on her and Catra winced at that distasteful sight that promised to make her throw up again, but she just couldn’t turn away, maybe because she was too masochistic, maybe because after all those years Adora was still the girl that could amaze her with such gentle moves, that lean figure, those beautiful blue eyes. 

_ Why, why now, after so long? Can’t she just leave me the fuck alone? Make her own life away from her like she wanted with Glimmer. Why? S _ he asked herself, tearing her eyes away and chugging her drink with ice and everything. It seemed like all of that was a mere display to make Catra’s jealousy skyrocket, showing off her happiness and reminding Catra her life was very much far from perfect now. It was, in fact, wrecked;  _ and it is your fault, Adora. You decided to abandon me.  _

Catra felt dizzy and she could’ve sworn her heart stopped for a millisecond while staring at Adora. She could hear way too many voices talking on her head, giving their opinion on Adora’s outfit and Catra just wanted them to shut up. The twister of emotions she was having was so overwhelming: joy, rage, sadness; soon, it would lead her to a breakdown. She was falling down a dangerous spiral all over again, she felt everything spinning and couldn’t seem to find a way to make it stop. 

Suddenly, everything around her disappeared, she was trapped inside a tunnel and at the end of it, the shimmering light of Adora’s moves, her ears deaf to everything around her. If she disregarded Glimmer’s existence, she could just pretend it was one of those times they would dance all night long, only resting individually for a couple of minutes while having a drink, watching the other show off her moves. She wanted to erase that smile off her face, but she looked so pretty. Adora was the prettiest thing to torture herself with, she was the only flame catra wanted to be consumed by, because, even after all this time, Adora was Catra’s weakness, the only thing better than alcohol to forget she was hurting.  _ Such a shame it was over.  _

  
  


She wanted to just sit there and torture herself, slowly smothered by the sweetest poison the blonde was already by herself, though the presence of the purple-haired girl was very hard to ignore, and this became another precious venom for Catra’s imagination. She found herself caught on a thought that disturbed her like a butterfly caught on a hurricane, wondering if she had sex with that sparkly woman, the voice inside her head was like a broken record that couldn’t stop playing those same words while imagining the exact way Glimmer’s hands ran down Adora’s body while they were pressed together. The pictures ran in front of her eyes like a movie: the mix of  _ coffee au lait _ and pale skin, soft moans, Adora’s breasts bouncing, rubbing against Glimmer’s as they reached the climax together.  _ Does she enjoy that? Can Glimmer make her cum like I used to? _ Quick enough, a massive knot formed on her stomach again, but for some reason she couldn’t stop. Her mind was racing too fast now to stop and the tunnel she was trapped in, the dark labyrinth of thoughts, repeating themselves once and again, only led to the same place, the same corner of her mind, the same conclusion. She was a miserable hybrid and Adora left her for this purple haired girl, bound to success. Their future would be brighter together, of course, Glimmer would become a CEO and they will be rich, stable, happy. That’s what Adora has always wanted and of course, this brighter future left no place for Catra. 

  
  


Her heart clenched inside of her ribcage, running out of air to the point of almost fainting, she wanted to throw up, vomit out this confusing feelings, this rage scalding her interiors. This time the dizziness wasn’t because of alcohol, this time the upset stomach didn’t come after binge-eating. It was so much worse than that, it was the ghost of the person who had her heart and her soul, who got her wrapped around her fingers and could destroy Catra with a snap of them. Her tail was moving frantically to that point, almost as if it had life itself, but, of course, it was only a reflex. She wrapped it with her hands on an attempt to make it stop from moving and also from fluffing as she gritted her teeth. She hated that side of her sometimes, she despised how it displayed her weaknesses for everyone around when she was supposed to be tough, unstoppable. 

That’s when she took the decision. 

She wasn’t going to let Adora get under her skin. She asked for another glass of vodka, waiting, oh so patiently, watching Adora dance with her stupid friends, her stupid white clothes which made her look so stupidly angelic it became disgusting, waiting for the right moment to strike. 

\-- 

Adora made her way to the bathroom as a loose laugh escaped her lips, her fingers brushing Bow’s arms as she trailed off. She was already tired, but she was hoping, expecting this would help her to get some things out of her brain for good. At least that’s what Glimmer and Bow have promised her. She entered the bathroom and automatically that bright smile slipped away, leaving only a ghost, a gist, a corpse of something that once resembled happiness. 

Adora put her hands on the lavatory, trying her best to not cry, because she’d been holding it up for way too long, but she couldn’t just stand there and cry. After all, this was their night and all Glimmer and Bow wanted was for her to be okay, for her to stop thinking about Catra and move on. It had been too long living with the never ending guilt, eating her alive little by little. They would never understand that now she was unable to do anything while Catra went through heaven knows what kind of things. The blonde promised Catra she would be there, she broke the promise and that was the worst kind of torture. She won the scholarship and she had been able to keep up, become one of the most popular members of the team; but none of this meant anything without Catra beside her. 

She couldn’t pretend she was okay; , truth was, she was still devastated, she wasn’t able to forgive herself. She didn’t even want to try. Adora knew the real, the horrific face of truth and truth was, she was a horrible human being. 

Now she was on the way to self destruction, working out until her body gave out, drinking until she passed out, unhealthy habits, dragging her by the feet, smothering her, and she was not going to fight it. As no one would ever punish the blonde for her actions, he was under the obligation of doing it herself, even if it didn’t bring the same satisfaction and she knew her self destructive behavior wasn’t healthy at all. 

She looked at her own reflection, even though she knew it would make her want to erase it from Earth, she still did. Skinny fingers drew a line from the dark lines under her eyes, the living evidence that not only Adora’s soul was giving out, but her body as well.  _ I should just leave this place, I can’t go on like this _ , she told herself in a low voice when she was finally by herself. Blue orbs were locked in blue once again, but something… a flash of red, a pair of unmatched yellow-blues, sent her spiralling all over again. 

Ten months. 

It had been ten months, three weeks and six days. 

\--

She could have just walked away and left things like that, but no; It took her one split second for her to make that decision and now she was standing in the bathroom with the person who she once considered the love of her life, her best friend, her twin soul. 

She could have sworn she felt her heart pounding and the hairs of her tail standing up, but she was not going to blame it on the excitement she was feeling for talking to Adora after so long. Damn her if she was excited for that. Adora broke her heart, she left her and all she ever deserved was spite, not for her to feel butterflies in her stomach and being nervous like a disgusting teenager. She gritted her teeth and closed her hands on fists.

_ If you’re going to do this, make sure it hurts her like she hurt you.  _ Her eyes darkened as the sides of her face twisted upwards. 

Words came out smooth and plain

\-- 

She was too lost in her thoughts to hear the thump in the door. When she looked up in the mirror, the last thing she would have expected was to see Catra, her hair short and slicked back, dressed in a gorgeous suit and open button up, looking straight at her with her split golden-blue eyes. She could feel a stark shock of electricity flowing through her body that almost made her pass out and her stomach sunk. Her head snapped quickly, latching her eyes on Catra’s and lightning started to strike all over the room like a perfect storm was about to take place. She could definitely feel the electricity in her skin, driving her feet towards Catra. 

“Hey, Adora.” 

It was really her, it was really Catra. 

After all this time and thinking she would never see her face ever again, she was right there. She looked older, a lot older than she would have imagined and she looked ten times prettier than she remembered. Her mind was in complete overdrive and words shot like arrows from one side to the other, making it hard to see through, to find the right words to say when there was so much to say. 

“O-Oh, my goodness, Catra, it’s- it’s really you” She stuttered, almost as if to plead for it to be real. The feline stood stoic before her eyes.”Look at you, you’re-” The athlete stuck a hand out to the void, feeling the warmth of Catra’s skin in her fingers. It was hard to keep the tears from coming at this point, but it was for a very completely different reason now. Now, she felt like, after so long, she was able to breathe again, but her plead for air was only met by a swatting hand, a metaphorical slap in the face that burned more in her heart than in her hand, swatted away by Catra’s, who never unlatched her eyes from the blonde’s. 

“Don’t fucking dare to touch me”

A lump formed in her stomach and now tears were threatening to come out again, strangling a sob escalating from her chest. Those words ripped through each single layer of her right until the very last fiber, reminding her this was not the same Catra she left behind, but a destroyed, mutilated by pain version of her. 

_ Adora, you know what to say, you have practiced this a hundred times in your head.  _

“Please, Catra, I can explain, I never wanted things to be this way, I-”

“Oh, really? ‘Cause you seem to be very happy with your friends, dressed in a fancy suit and dancing with Sparkles.” Catra spit the words like a fire cracking, and Adora was too close for her not to get burned by the sparks. Adora opened her mouth to speak, yet no words came out and before she could even do something, she had a rough hand and a set of stilettos sinking in her skin and the cat woman’s eyes, brimming with deep fury, eating her alive. 

“If you did want things to be different, you would’ve at least tried to do something to change it, yet here we are.” Catra narrowed her eyes.

She would have loved to retort, to fight it, but suddenly her arms and legs weren’t able to work anymore and all her attention was in that pair of feline eyes and those words burning in her chest. 

“I- We fell out of contact, Catra, I’m so sorry I left you, this is the last thing I wanted for you, please, let me fix it.” She cried out, feeling how Catra’s eyes stripped her, able to read even the last of her thoughts. It didn’t matter how long it had been, she still had the power to read her like an open book, skinning her with that powerful gaze. 

She could’ve sworn Catra considered it for a second, like she really wanted to stop and think about it, like she was tired of fighting with the pain and the anger in her chest. There was something similar to a gist of hope in her eyes as she held Adora by her chin and she would have sworn her eyes were toggling between her eyes and her lips, just like Adora was. She caught one of Catra’s canines biting on her lower lip. 

For a second, only for a second, both felt like they were teenagers all over again, playing football and pretending they hated each other only for the thrill of it when they were dying to have the taste of each other’s lips on their own. That familiar warmth in her stomach, the weakness of her knees with only a quick look from those feline eyes. She would have sworn Catra was pulling closer, so close that the negative space between them was almost invisible.

“There’s no such thing as fixing this, Adora. You caused this and now it’s too late. Hope you don’t abandon your new friends like you abandoned me.”

Catra freed her grip from the woman’s chin. The energy of those words was so monumental, it almost threw Adora to the ground, sending her spiraling and stumbling until she was able to hold onto something as tears came out. 

  
  


Like it or not, she was right. She was a bad friend and she deserved all of it, all of that. 

\-- 

Her hands were trembling, her skin as pale as if her soul abandoned her body. She tried so hard not to cry and keep it together while her feet dragged her to the bar, but she shook inside like a storm shredding her insides mercilessly. 

Being so weak, so incredibly easy to upset was something that disgusted Catra and now she was wishing she could just punch herself. She was the invincible Catra. She could be _ anything _ , **anything** . But weak wasn’t one of those. Adora couldn’t just walk into her life and wreck it again by showing off how perfect it was while Catra was closer to hitting rock bottom and leave nothing but a mangled corpse behind. No, no, no. Catra was stronger than that. She tried to regain control of herself, trying to not let herself be weak, trying to not show any emotion at all. After all, everything that showing any emotion has caused is trouble, she was better off like this, living the low life, having sex with no emotional involvement and no tenderness. A life of toxic habits arranged to her existence that lead her to oblivion, the place she belonged to.

Still trembling a little, she got out of the bathroom with a smirk on her face so no one would notice how wrecked she felt on the inside, making her way to the bar again between flirty smiles and the swinging of her hips in the most confident way possible. She took out a cigarette and turned it on, something she could accomplish despite the trembling now caused as well by the throbbing pain of her left hand. It wasn’t like she was sad anymore, because she wasn’t, but after so long, she felt on top of the world, girls at her feet, everything she wanted, she could have it. And Adora came back only to remind her of how weak she was. 

“Gimme a vodka, please, sweetheart.” The tenderness of her voice didn’t abandon her despite everything that was going on in her head, she was going to pretend Adora wasn’t there at all, she was going to pretend that the music was louder than her voice and that stupid, beautiful laugh of hers and that the lights of the club were more blinding than her halo. 

Once again, she sighed and tried to focus her eyes on the moves of the pretty faun girl behind the bar. Gazing at the gracility of her moves that made her seem like she was waterbending instead of preparing alcoholic beverages, but this voice, this loud noise that felt like a fuzz of black inside of her head and at the same time a headache screamed that name, until it became loud enough to make her look over her shoulder.

She was going to pretend she didn’t spend all night staring at Adora without her noticing, she was going to lie to herself and say she didn’t miss her while she had one glass of vodka after the other until everything around her disappeared and her pain was dulled out.

She couldn’t help it, Catra had a thing for self destruction. 


	3. Torn in Halves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cat stepped onto the dancefloor to find Adora’s hands and started to swirl across the room at the rhythm of a waltz, soft and fluid. They danced with no difficulties as if they were to different streams connecting and disconnecting while creating a beautiful melody with their bodies. Everything was perfect, Adora was laughing between Catra’s arms and her hands felt nice and warm on her shoulder and waist as they moved across the place. Finally peace. 
> 
> “Catra? Oh, my gods. Catra, are you okay? Despierta, Catra. Catra!” Scorpia’s faded voice, filled with distressed echoed on the girl’s mind, but she was way too wrapped up in her dream, on Adora’s moves and that beautiful smile to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank Ozzie for betaing this, the coyotes for their incredible support and all of my fav fans, specially Jenelle and Fenix. 
> 
> This will be quite a ride, so bucle up!
> 
> Also, It's mostly settled, updates will be any other week on Fridays. You can follow me on twitter (@_WolfStargazer_) for sneak peeks the day before the new chapters drop. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy, as usual, your kudos and comments keep me going and have a nice day!

The cold kiss of the white-dusted razor blade separated the skin in halves, driven by Catra's hand. It was hard for Catra to draw a straight line, this as a consequence of the amount of coke she just had a moment ago. It was the first time she tried such a strong drug, a decision she made after watching her world crash before her eyes, everyone being driven away by her outbursts and selfishness. It didn't matter anymore if she lived or died, it didn't matter at all, her life didn't matter, cause she was a no one and no one would ever miss her, not even her precious Adora, now in the hands of that girl Glimmer. She was going to make Adora happy; Glimmer and her were going to have a home, kids, they were going to get married while Catra was bound to end in catastrophe.

Catra’s jaws were locked in a wicked smile as the blade bit further into her skin making the cat girl feel a strong sense of pleasure. No more problems, no more sadness, she felt unbreakable, unstoppable, ready to fight whoever got in her way, now that all pain was dulled out, well, all pain except the one she felt down her forearm, eating away the emotional pain and her with it, eating away her life, and her grin grew bigger, even though her jaw felt totally out of control, she smiled. This is what she always wanted, to fall down the edge, crash like a shooting star, burning brighter and destroying everything on her way. 

  
  


Catra was a shooting star. The most beautiful shooting star no one would see ever again.

_Yes, yes, yes, it was going to be so good, watching everyone screech and cry with distorted, destroyed faces, these motherfuckers are going to learn what horror is and I’m going to bring everyone down in flames._ She could already picture people’s faces in her funeral, funneling her body while the music of whimpers and cries played. What a magnificent way to die.

The white lights flicked over her head, so bright they made the cat woman’s eyes squint, and her heart was beating so fast she was sure it was going to jump out her ribcage. She could hear everything, see things she had never seen before, hanging above the ground so high, but mostly, she was amused by the way the blood fell down her arm, the way it abandoned its source so quickly and so slowly at the same time to become a red decorations on the floor, drop by drop. She looked at herself in the mirror and started laughing uncontrollably at the sight of such a horrific face, pale as a sheet of paper, a pair of unmatched yellow-blue darkened from the coke, finished up by a touch of red here and there. She put her now slit right arm up in front of her mouth to find out the pieces of her muscle formed a perfect smile while laughter ascended from her mouth ripping her vocal chords pleasantly. 

It was over. 

Adora popped up in her head for a moment like a soft buzz, growing louder and louder. It didn’t even matter anymore, she didn’t even matter anymore and after what happened in the club that was even clearer. After all, she was right. Adora never loved her. 

When she closed her eyes she fell into a dream. First, everything was completely dark, darker than night, darker than those places Catra would be trapped in when she had nightmares _._ Was it the dark of death? Was this how it was supposed to feel, so terrifyingly calm and warm, but at the same time so lonely? She shouldn't be so worried about loneliness, after all, she had been lonely for a long time, she pushed everyone away like she wanted. She had to die alone, in the end, alone like the disgusting rat she was. 

She let darkness hug her, totally surrendered, when the dark got a little bit brighter. She gasped, standing there in the middle of the room her mind created while the colors started to appear, turning dark into grey scales and then blues and purples. Finally, she found herself inside of a room covered in warm color, but there was no noise, only peaceful music playing, regaling Catra’s ears. She looked around to find a glass fountain, white pillars covered in beautiful ivies, a glass ceiling from which light came out flooding the room. In the middle of the room there was a dance floor made of white tiles and in the middle of it, she gasped to the realisation of Adora’s presence, wearing a beautiful white dress that had little to no other detail more than a line of gold that fell down her side from her waist. She looked beautiful in white, she looked beautiful. Period. Her hair tied on a half ponytail that cleared her face from any strand and her hair puff, high and proud. This last detail made Catra laugh, of course, as she always thought the hair puff was something very stupid, but she grew to like it, just like she grew to like Adora. 

The cat stepped onto the dancefloor to find Adora’s hands and started to swirl across the room 

“Catra? Oh, my gods. Catra, are you okay? Despierta, Catra. Catra!” Scorpia’s faded voice, filled at the rhythm of a waltz, soft and fluid. They danced with no difficulties as if they were to different streams connecting and disconnecting while creating a beautiful melody with their bodies. Everything was perfect, Adora was laughing between Catra’s arms and her hands felt nice and warm on her shoulder and waist as they moved across the place. Finally peace. 

with distressed echoed on the girl’s mind, but she was way too wrapped up in her dream, on Adora’s moves and that beautiful smile to wake up. 

Funny that the last person she would ever see was the girl that left her behind, the one that had her heart.

  
  


\--

"She what?" Distress shot from Adora's throat in alarm, in deep disbelief of what she was hearing. She had to take a seat to take that information in. Scorpia, on the other side of the line, sounded even more distressed, she actually sounded like she was about to have a panic attack. Adora wished she could find the right words to calm her down, enough to bring her back to the ground, but she was barely managing to keep her pieces together. Any second now, her heart would shatter violently and the known sharp pain of guilt would strike her again, try again to pull her down, muzzle her so she wasn't able to scream. 

Everything around Adora disappeared, now it was only her and the static sound only cut by Scorpia's distressed voice, only her being smothered by hands on her body, voices in her head. "You made this." "This is your fault, Adora." "You were a bad girlfriend and now Catra will die, turn to ashes." Her hands were barely capable of holding her phone as a tremendous quake shook her whole being. There was a big chance that she was never going to be able to see her childhood friend ever again, and it was all because she decided to listen to Shadow Weaver. Oh, my gods, Adora, you’re such a fucking idiot. You should be the one in that hospital, not Catra, definitely not her. 

"I know Catra will destroy me --- ------- ---- -- she...makes it out alive," The ringing in her ear grew so loud she was incapable of hearing anything at all, but she heard that loud and clear, words piercing through her stomach and clutching it, twisting it like silk fabric. She knew this sensation, somehow. It wasn’t something she wanted, to be familiar with the throbbing worry, the derealization, but she was, but now it was coming like a white avalanche, ready to bury her and smudge her pathetic soul in the landscape. Everything hurt now and it didn't matter how hard she tried to breathe, the air felt as thick as blood filling her lungs, painful venom infecting her vessels, attacking the brain and the heart with no mercy." But ---- not --- ---- ----- you left. She needs you." 

"Scorpia, I- I can't just walk into her life like that again...she hates me…" Adora ran one hand through her hair, puzzled. She listened carefully, as carefully as her state allowed her, and, even though there was a part of her that didn't want to do this, another part of her was telling her that she wasn't like this, Adora doesn't run away, she confronts the problems and tries to talk about feelings, she was trying hard and if Catra needed her, she would be there for her. Maybe there was a reason for the universe doing this to her, maybe she could make up, or at least try. She was sure Catra hated, despised her, she was sure that as soon as she saw her face, if she ever did, she was going to slap her or smash her with the harshest truths, but that was not going to stop hot headed Adora, that was not going to stop her. Even in the worst case scenarios -Which she didn’t want to even tread on- At least she would have given it a try, a try for Catra to shout and snarl and tell her to go away, a chance to say goodbye, a chance...even though she was so sure not even the worst of the tolls would make up for what she did. She wanted to be there, she just wanted to be there. As she should’ve been for years.

"Have you lost your mind, Adora? She's gravely injured, it's a terrible idea to go to the hospital, besides, look at you, you're pale, you're barely standing!" Glimmer's hands held her shoulders while nagging Adora, but she only heard her voice as a distant echo that faded as an annoying ringing, fighting the one that was already slamming her brains. 

It took Adora the exact amount of a millisecond to know exactly what she had and wanted to do as she shoved Glimmer to a side and grabbed the keys of Angela’s car on the way out only for them to be snatched by the small girl. 

"Let me drive! I can do this, Glimmer!" Barked Adora, turning her face to her friend as Glimmer's arms around her tried to stop the blonde from going anywhere, but it was useless because of how strong Adora was. Adora wiggled Glimmer from one side to the other, almost throwing her to the other side of the apartment while grunting. 

"Adora, you'll have an accident, stop being so damn stubborn and let us go with you!" They struggled for a couple of minutes, fighting to snatch the keys from one another until the small girl gave up, mostly because Bow decided to interfere, putting himself between the two. 

“Adora, Glimmer is right. The last thing we need today is someone else getting hurt. Let us drive you, please.” 

She looked away, holding her arm for a couple of seconds before finally giving up, reluctant. 

“We better hurry.” Bow said in a low voice. 

She was lucky she had Glimmer and Bow beside her, because otherwise she would have been driving to the hospital by herself, totally covered in tears as the despair spread through her veins like a deadly venom threatening to take her life as well, speeding up to get as fast as possible to the hospital, but she couldn’t care less. She was barely able to be rational or let alone think, her mind completely blank while everything in her mind was Catra, Catra, Catra… just letting hope shine brighter than the stark anxiety creeping under her skin, the thousand, millions of worse case scenarios popping in her head, rooms and corners in which she couldn’t say goodbye, others in which she had to recognize Catra’s body, each one more gruesome and horrific than the one before. 

  
  


Her body was limp, covered by a weight that pushed her deeper in the backseat of the car, pushing her far away from the voices of their friends having a conversation she was unable to comprehend. At the same time she felt as if she was inside a storm, so strong that was pulling her apart bit by bit and it just wouldn’t stop, even if she would’ve wanted to scream, her body didn’t respond, her voice had been torn apart from her and the air from her lungs now was condensed in a cloud of toxic smoke, as if Adora was going through the worse sleep paralysis. She couldn’t feel her fingers anymore, she could barely feel anything else than the sinking sensation, a dark hole growing bigger and bigger in her chest.

  
  


Catra, Catra...all of this, all of this could’ve been avoided if she would’ve had the guts to stand up to Shadow Weaver and not allow her to take her away from Catra. All of this could’ve been avoided if she had the courage to tell Catra and now she was regretting it deep to the last fiber of her heart. 

_T_ he trip to the hospital felt like the longest 40 minutes of her entire life. The streetlights made her feel dizzy, like in some sort of tunnel she just wanted to escape, her hands were sweaty and shaky, and she was probably pale and was going to faint. 

She noticed they had arrived in the way a beam of fluorescent lights burned her blue eyes. , Adora did her best to walk by herself, taking one step and shoving Glimmer and Bow aside. 

“I’m looking for Catra Ballesteros, please tell me where she is.” She demanded as soon as her pale, now weak frame reached the front desk of the hospital. It felt like a hundred seconds, a whole eternity passed before Adora heard the exact room and took off. Bow and Glimmer tried to stop her, but they ran behind her as their words were completely dismissed. 

Tears rolled down her cheeks, flying to the floor as Adora ran through the hospital hallways, checking every single door for the right number. “Please, please, Catra, I’m so sorry, I’m a complete idiot and I do not deserve you, but please, don’t be dead, I beg you.” She said under her breath, almost bumping into a nurse who was holding a notepad on her hands. She muttered a soft apology, breath scarce as if she had been punched in the stomach by a wrestler. 

The screech of her Air Jordans indicated her arrival and she found Scorpia by the door, just standing there, her face completely pale and her clothes painted in crimson. 

“Oh, my lord, Scorpia, thank the stars you’re here, is she okay?” Adora held the woman’s arms, her stormy blue eyes locking with stormy browns. 

“I-I don’t know, Adora, I guess so, I c- I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to come out.” Before Adora’s friends finally caught up, Adora was entering Catra’s room. 

Her heart was pumping 1000 beats per second, strumming so intensely she would’ve bet it was more like a hum than an actual heartbeat, but she couldn’t care less about it now. Her fingers brushed the doorknob before opening it while hesitation held her back. She bit her lip. 

In between the million different branches, the million trains of thought running in Adora’s head, the anxiety of seeing Catra for the first time in so long was one of the most prominent, but still covered in layers and layers of scratched words in crimson, warning signs which kept her alert, brewing the guilt in her chest. _I should just walk out and leave her alone,_ she told herself in deep hesitation, _I’m just going to stay here until she wakes up to make sure she’s okay and then I’ll leave her, forever,_ she continued as a sting crossed her chest. She knew well that somewhere not so deep inside she wanted to be with Catra, she wanted to take care of her and try, try to at least work things out and keep her promise. _But she hates you, Adora._ She sighed at that thought, biting ceaselessly to then wrap her fingers around her wrist, though not stopping her from wrapping the piece of metal and opening the door with a screech. 

She pierced the deafening silence of the hospital room, her quiet steps matched the rhythm of the heart monitor.

That small hallway before the actual zone in which the bed was located seemed like it only stretched more and more as she walked, twisting and turning, making Adora’s stomach turn at the same time. She just wanted it to end, she wanted this nightmare to be over, she wanted to see her, she…

And there she was. 

Her precious acorn skin desaturated by the blood loss, her unmatched yellow and blue eyes closed, and her right arm covered in silk bandages, almost unnoticeable in the sea of white. 

  
  


And her soul sank, her body crumbled as tears fell down and one single strained whimper abandoned her tired lungs as she covered her face with her trembling hands, wishing she could just fly away, wishing she could leave her body behind because she didn’t want this for Catra, she didn’t want this for Catra and she was the most despicable human being for causing it. The only thing she had to do was protect Catra and she failed miserably. Her former ex friend was nothing but a fragile silhouette, pixelated and desaturated, just like when they were younger, when she first saw her in the field and fell in those unmatched lakes. 

She cried out, unable to look away from her long lost friend and when Glimmer and Bow entered the room to hold her and take her out she couldn’t take her eyes away from Catra for one single second. The venom took over her body and drained what was left of her life, taking it away as the blood flowed away from Catra’s body. 

They sat in the waiting room until Adora was able to at least stand up by herself, it was the seventh time in the night she had to get up and vomit, which to that point was only yellow pale bile. Her trembling hands were holding a cup of water, but she refrained from looking at it, too scared to look at the reflection forming on top. She was disgusted by herself and how her actions drove both Catra and her to be there. Catra wouldn’t have to be there in the first place if Adora never abandoned her, but she was a fucking monster, a selfish piece of shit. The plastic wrinkled under her strong fingers driven by anger. 

“You’re not actually sure it has anything to do with you, Adora, you need to stop knocking yourself up like that” Voices and words surfaced as she came back from the deepest corner of her own brain after she almost forgot her best friends were there at all. She was certain it had to do with her because everything she did to Catra was to hurt her and leave her by herself after promising she would always be there to protect her. She was a lame friend, the lamest protector, the lamest human being in the whole Earth. Right in that moment, all she was wishing was that she could take Catra’s place and be the one laying in bed, taking all the pain, taking all the blame. She was wishing her life was squeezed out of herself like a soul being sucked by a dark being, anything, so her best friend didn’t have to suffer anymore. 

_"There's no such thing as fixing this Adora. It's too late"_

Her voice sounded like the scariest thunder, rumbling like the roar of fire. 

“I failed to stay beside her. I will be responsible if she dies.” She put her head between her hands. 

And then she would live with that burden for the rest of her life. 

“I don’t think this is good for you, Adora, maybe it will be better if we left. Besides, I don’t think she will be particularly happy to see you.” Bow’s voice rumbled somewhere far away.

_“She needs you, she’s not the same girl since you left.”_

“Maybe I won’t be able to fix my past mistakes, but she needs me. I’ll do this no matter what you think.”

“Hey, Adora, It’s so nice to see you’re here, I’m so glad you could make it.” Adora turned her head to when the upbeat, yet tired voice came from. Scorpia, who was holding some snacks from a vending machine nearby, held up her pincer in a shy greeting as she sat next to Adora, only after introducing herself to Bow and Glimmer. Adora only murmured an almost quiet response.”Hey, what I said before? I know you may think it was because of the adrenalin of the moment, but I totally meant it...you see” Adora lifted her head from her hands to look at the tall woman with a puzzled look.” After whatever happened between you two she was completely wrecked. She would go to the club you used to go to together week after week. I saw her, well-” She made a small pause to wipe her nose nervously. Adora could only listen carefully, caught up by what the white haired woman was saying.” Back when you were together...It was the happiest I have seen her, Adora. And watching her sit there, in the same chair, thinking about you, it made me realize something…”

“Huh?” 

“She loved you more than anything in the world. I don’t even know if she’s aware of that or just ignoring because...you know Catra, feelings are really not for her- just like water” Scorpia let out a giggle while looking down. _What? Did I hear that right?_

“S-sorry, Scorpia, what did you say?” She was one hundred percent she could trust Scorpia, but the athlete wasn’t so sure she could trust her own ears after thinking Catra didn’t see her as anything more than a friend. If this was true, this changed everything…

It made Adora even more of a monster for ghosting Catra….

“Catra loves you, girl, I’m one hundred percent sure about that. She’s been dying little by little since you left.” Scorpia’s eyes intertwined with Adora’s, sorrow painted in the brown of her orbs as she put her pincers over Adora’s forearms.”Please, Adora, I know Catra can be a bit difficult, but the wildcat who loves you, that lively wildcat is still there somewhere and the only one who can bring her back is you.”

Adora felt appalled by the responsibility being put on her shoulders, it was too much information to process at the same time. Like a racecar going from cero to one hundred in one second, with little time to change gears. She would need time to process all of this information, because now, apart from being concerned about Catra slashing her heart as soon as she woke up, she would have the responsibility to help everyone, help Catra, by bringing her back into her. And that meant she would have to come up with the right words, the right timing, everything had to be perfect if she didn’t want to let Scorpia and her former best friend down. 

But most importantly...her love for Adora was on the line, her whole heart was on the line. How would she manage to not break Catra’s heart again?

* * *

  
  


“Adora! Adora!” She jumped all the way to the ceiling, spooked by Glimmer yelling. She jerked awake, giving her friend a frown. It took her a couple of seconds to focus her eyes again and for everything in the hospital room to stop being all shadows and blurs of colors. 

The blonde checked her watch for the time. It was seven in the morning. She attempted to rub the sleepiness away from her head, but she couldn’t sleep much last night, just like the night before and the night before that. She just didn’t want to leave Catra alone, despite her friends telling her she needed to go home and have some proper sleep; she would rather be there, in that uncomfortable steel chair, but sure Catra was still there…

**_Still alive._ **

And Scorpia’s words still resonated in her brain like the voice of hope encouraging her to be brave despite her fear of fucking it up again. Would she ever be enough for Catra anyways? Would she be perfect enough like everyone expected her to be?

She sighed, giving a quick look to her old friend, still asleep as a side effect of the painkillers, but it was certain that they would wear off soon and she would wake up, or at least that was what the physician said.

Said physician was very reluctant to give Adora any information in the first place; luckily, Bow interfered and used his outstanding communication skills to accomplish it and she had to take the time to explain to him that she and Scorpia were practically the only people Catra had as Catra’s parents had been murdered when she was still a child, according to what Catra told her. This was still not much because Catra was rather secretive about her life, despite them getting closer as time went by. She knew they owned a successful business in the city, but a man named Hordak tried to scam them; they ended up finding out about Hordak’s plans. Of course they refused the agreement, and at first it seemed like Hordak accepted that. 

One day they were at home when a group of men barged into the apartment and shot Catra’s parents. 

Since then, Catra had gone from one foster home to the other, so used to being a loner and an independent kid she would always run away from her homes. Then, when she was in seventh grade, Catra met Adora and became her whole world. 

  
  


Adora had no idea of whatever happened in that period of time they were apart. She didn’t know if Catra took over her parent’s business or if she managed to survive by herself, but considering this whole situation, Catra wasn’t exactly in the best place. 

  
  


“What’s wrong, Glimmer?” Her tired voice came out as a thin string. 

“I think it’s time for you to go take a shower at home and get some sleep,” She leaned onto the threshold, her arms crossed in her chest. ”I’ll stay here with Catra in case she wakes up.”

“No!” Adora bolted from the chair.”If she wakes up I want to be here, I- I need to be here for her…” Glimmer walked all the way to her and grabbed her by her arms. 

“Let’s be honest, you smell and look like shit, so please go before I kick your ass.” She deadpanned.”Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.” Adora scoffed, deciding to listen to Glimmer once in her life, not without rolling her eyes first and struggling to take her eyes away from Catra as she left. _I won’t be gone for long, Catra, don’t worry._ She said under her breath. 

She wanted to take Glimmer’s car, which was actually Angella’s car, but her friend thought she was too tired for that, so she let Bow drive her, so he could also get something from the apartment. When arriving there, she immediately begrudgingly walked towards the bathroom and undressed after turning on the cold water and letting her mind wander on the events of the last couple of years as she let the cold water soak her body. 

She found herself thinking about how things had changed since they were kids, but especially how, even in the worst moments of her life, she would have never expected things would have ended up like this. She was wishing she didn’t take Catra for granted, she didn’t take any of that for granted...the nights under the stars, making out in the stalls of that old club, watching her dance while the feline hugged the blonde tight against her. 

It all started as a game, there was something so appealing about the cat girl, something that she felt magnetically drawn to like the tide to the shore. And so they started to playfully pick on each other, teasing and hitting each other after their matches and training sessions. Slowly, they grew closer and closer, spending more time together solely under the excuse of telling each other how they would kick the other’s ass in the next match they had together. Soon, Adora started to feel butterflies in her stomach whenever she got near the brunette and giddiness crept down her spine until she was totally unable to talk, but, oh, she was too naive to notice what was going on.

_It was one fall afternoon. They had been sitting on the grades for hours, just talking about life, about their plans for the future. “You’re a total idiot, Adora.” Catra said, bumping the blonde with the side of her body while laughing._

_“Hey!” Adora pushed Catra, making her lose their balance and as easy as that, their faces were only centimeters apart and the athlete’s legs were on one side, her torso towering over Catra’s. Butterflies fluttered inside of her stomach, lost in the constellations scattered in Catra’s cheeks and noses, now painted in a soft, darker brown. A soft vibration reberbed around Adora, it was the brunette, now purring, her eyes as big as plates._

_“Wh-What are you doing?” The catgirl asked in a soft voice, almost secretive as she gripped Adora’s wrists without any intent to get up. Adora lost herself, picking up each fiber of sentiment hidden behind those feline eyes._

_All those afternoons playing around, when they would go to Adora’s home and dance together, all of those moments in which Adora felt her cheeks burning red as soon as the girl got too close to the brunette, came down to this._

_She wanted to kiss her best friend. She had wanted to do it for a while._

_A bolt of electricity ran down her body as Catra’s and Adora’s lips got closer together, until there was nothing but the soft sensation of her lips on top of Catra’s._

That was their first kiss and the rest was history. They never planned getting caught up and the game turned into much more than that, but it happened, they found themselves grabbing each other’s hands while no one was looking and cheering the other up in every match, they found themselves giggling about the most nonsensical things and blushing as soon as their bodies brushed. 

Adora never felt enough for Catra, though; she always thought the brunette was too good for her, her impenetrable ice castle inaccessible for someone as her, and Adora’s anxiety kept telling her, even after the kiss, that it meant nothing, that they were only makeout sessions and joking around, a girl like Catra would never be into someone like her; but she was willing to try, despite everything. Despite being so incredibly scared of Shadow Weaver finding out what was going on between them, she wanted to give herself a chance to be brave for once and overcome her anxiety, even if her heart got broken in the process. 

But Adora’s life was quite far from perfect and they got torn apart. 

She was unable to sleep at all that night. Between her obsessive mind playing the same broken record again and again, which she tried to compensate by creating an awkwardly specific plan on how to tell Catra about what happened, she ended up watching the sun go up, lost in the lights of the city, dying out as the sky lit up, deeping her blues somewhere in the sharp shadows of the city.

She got into the seat of the car next morning, ready to lose herself in thought again, ready to spend another 24 hours sitting there, next to Catra and just waiting for whatever was going to happen. She knew things were not going to look very good for her, not even with the best hopes she was expecting Catra to not spit at her as soon as she saw the varsity girl and, despite that, there was something that just made her feet stick to the ground and her eyes be vigilant over Catra like a guardian looking after a treasure, even before Scorpia told her about the feline’s feelings for her.

Not too deep she knew the answer, and it was very clear, but it was also clear that something like that would never happen; Their relationship was severed beyond repair and she would have to shut up and swallow down the tight knot in her throat, the bitter pill. Catra was very clear about how she felt about the blonde that night at the club, it would have been better for both of them if she just walked away. If Catra loved her, but was able to speak those words, maybe the cat was better off without the trainwreck the athlete was. 


End file.
